No, This Is NOT Puff The Magic Dragon
Hey all. I was raised on apocalyptica. Torture and death were my bedtime stories and I bought it. I lived in a constant state of panic, the heat in my throat, the tingling in my nerves, never quite catching my breath. I also had reason to be afraid. Of my family, of my supposed godhead, of myself, eventually.
There were a few years where I became completely consumed by the panic and then there was the depression. It was like I’d been so panicked that I was overwhelmed and I broke. That was a while ago. I’ve had minor panic attacks since then, but nothing like last night. It was set off by a conversation about oil spills and the end of our ecosystem and then it was just fear and tears. Me all scarred/scared. I couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t find comfort. I had a no hope moment. Something I haven’t had, to this degree, in years.
Fucking scary.
I ended up staying up late talking to a friend trying to bring down the fear, taking some of my Ativan and trying to get back to the fine I’d felt just hours earlier. Eventually I did go to sleep, with the thought that I used to feel this every single day. This used to be my whole life. Now it’s a disturbing anomaly.
That’s worth something, right?
You know you’re a mess when THESE are the songs you listen to in order to feel better.
Tags: apocalypse, atheist, depression, ecology, fear, mental health, panic, Religion
May 4, 2010 at 1:26 pm |
I’ve had moments like that. You’re going along fine, then all of a sudden something triggers those old feelings and you’re spiraling back down to that place. It must be so empowering knowing that it’s just an anomaly now.